It’s a little known fact that November is actually the best month on a gamer’s calendar. Sure, December is wonderful with Christmas being an excuse to stuff your face and get chocolate wasted, but does the final calendar month have the release of Uncharted 3? No. Does it have the release of Modern Warfare 3? Again, that’s a no. And the most important reason that November trumps the month of Yule? Well, November is “Movember”.
For those of you out of the loop, Movember is the annual event that takes place worldwide throughout the entirety of November. Men (Mo Bros), cheered on my the women in their lives (Mo Sistas), shave their faces on the 1st of the month and spend the remaining 29 days growing, grooming and perfecting the almightiest example of facial hairiness that they can come up with. It’s not just for lulz though, the occasion is actually to raise money and awareness for men’s health (specifically prostate cancer).
To kick off the month of ‘tache appreciation, I’ve put together a list of the best razor-dodgers in gaming, enjoy! (Info on how to donate to the Movember cause is at the bottom of the post).
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5. Kratos (God of War)
Okay, so I may have cheated just a wee bit by including Kratos, as that stiff upper lip of his is home to not even one hair, similar to his scalp, which is equally as challenged in the follicular department (hey, male patent baldness is no laughing matter!) But Kratos is most definitely an eligible participant of this list, mostly because he’ll get his QTE on and slice my head off in double-time and also because it must be a nightmare to sculpt that beard with these on the end of his arms.
4. Booker DeWitt (Bioshock Infinite)
You may be unfamiliar with the daredevil ways of the spiky haired adventurer above, though to get you up to speed, Booker DeWitt is protagonist of Irrational Games’ upcoming FPS/RPG hybrid, Bioshock Infinite. While most are paying attention to the dazzling beauty of Booker’s ward-cum-sidekick Elizabeth, I’d like to realign your focus to the handsomely chiselled jawline of Mr DeWitt, who is at number 4, not for the sheer amount hair upon his chinny-chin-chin, but for how good he looks rocking what little is there. Nathan Drake, eat your heart out. And well done to Irrational Games’ art designers who’ve made him look lovable even if he isn’t the goody-goody that his face suggests, as OPM have discovered.
3. Niko Bellic (GTA IV)
In the words of Roman Bellic, "Niko Bellic! He’s the fucking man, bitches!” and after playing the masterpiece that is Grand Theft Auto IV, you are more than obliged to agree with him. You see, poor Niko may have survived a war only to be roped into his aforementioned cousin Roman’s big dreams of living the high life of flash cars, plentiful riches and “36 flavours of titty” (read : intoxicated gangsters, bullet wounds and monogamy) but even off the boat, coming from the Eastern European country of Nonameistan (Internet rumours suggest that Niko is Serbian), the younger Bellic cousin still looks badass as hell with that bit of facial hair, even if his default costume is a shell suit.
2. Ezio Auditore da Firenze (Assassin’s Creed Revelations)
When I’m 50 years old I’ll be giving myself a pat on the back if I’m able to drink a cup of tea without requiring a bib. Ezio, on the other hand, who, despite being a decade shy of being labelled ‘geriatric’, is still using people’s backs as knife holders and running about on rooftops like a Usain Bolt wannabe. Sounds like someone’s been taking their cod liver oil…
What’s most impressive about the Prince of Social Justice is that regardless of the fact that he’s trying to save the world (and save himself from the perils of incontinence) he still manages to keep up with his grooming and look tremendously suave, and for that, he earns the number 2 spot on this list.
1. John Marston (Red Dead Redemption)
They say that Jesus died for our sins, now, while rootin’, tootin’ cowboy John Marston is less into feeding the 5000 and more into shooting-the-5000-several-times-with-his-revolver-and-then-stealing-their-stallion, I like to think that *SPOILER ALERT* the actual reason he died was because he made every other video game character’s attempt to grow a beard and a ‘tache, look rather paltry and pathetic in comparison to his own impressive mass of facial fuzz. I therefore deem him the King of Gaming ‘Taches!
Of course, while this post was a bit of fun, diseases, on the other hand, are not. However if you can donate any money whatsoever to the Movember cause, that helps researchers get one step closer to achieving cures.